Why We Get Hammered In The Paint, Exhibit A: David Lee ducks as Cav Anderson Varejao shoots, making Varejao look like he's two feet taller and has Nate Robinson's vertical leap (rather than the reality of him being only two inches taller and with a two-inch vertical -- but hey, this was a dream)

Knicks vs. Cavaliers such a nightmare it had to be just a bad dream

First, considering the amount of effort the Knicks put into last night’s game, I’m not gonna put much effort into talking about it.  After all, my Momma always taught me that two wrongs make a right.  Or was it that when the going gets tough, just pretend it never happened?  I forget, but it was an important lesson.

For those who don’t know, the Cleveland Cavaliers’ center, a large man by the name of Shaquille O’Neal, had surgery on his finger which is causing him to miss the next month or so.  In addition they traded away their back-up 7+ footer, Zydrunas Ilgauskas (although due to an odd loophole he’ll be able to return to the team in 30 days).  That’s not to say we should’ve expected the Cavs to be anything less than awesome, but it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to hope that we wouldn’t get quite as hammered on the boards since they also wouldn’t have a single seven-footer in their line-up.  No such luck.  They nearly doubled our rebounds, 60-to-31.

That is, if this game actually existed, that might’ve been what happened.  But as we all know it was just a bad dream.

Knicks bend over backwards to make it easier for Cleveland to score

Another odd thing in relation to the Shaq-absence in this imaginary game.  Everyone knows the Big Fella shoots a great fg% (‘cuz most of his shots are dunks or darn near the basket), but a godawful percentage from the free-throw line.  With him out, you’d think maybe the Cavs’ fg% would shrink a bit and the ft% would improve.  Of course, knowing the Knicks’ (lack of) defense, it should come as no surprise that we made the Cavs look like Magic Johnson’s Showtime Lakers, allowing them to shoot 56.7% from the field.  The bizarre part (which had no effect on the game) is that they barely shot better from the line, only managing 59.3%.  Maybe they decide to clunk the gimmes in memory of Shaq.  Then again, things don’t usually make literal sense in dreams.  Perhaps if we were to dig deeper into our psyches it would by some sort of symbolizing about how we try to place our failures on others, but really we must accept that those shortcomings are part of ourselves.

It’s tough analyzing non-existent games, eh?  Maybe I can start up a business doing it, where I’ll also look into players’ past-lives’ games too.  Perhaps David Lee was a Roman Centurion who was great at slaughtering others in the Gladiator arena.  Because he was so superior to the others, he was always on the offense, thus explaining why he can’t play defense.

Pre-game LeBron jokingly takes a underhand shot from half-court… and makes it.

Okay, enough of fantasy-land.  Instead I’ll leave you with this funny Nike puppet commercial of LeBron & Big Z (Zydrunas Ilgauskas).  For those who don’t know, the Cavs always have a big elaborate pre-game ritual on the court where like they pretend to take a team photo and do a thousand handshakes or something.  My favorite part about this commercial is that somehow they got away with a little racist throwaway bit where Z comes in & jokingly pretends to be a “typical Lithuanian” by asking if anyone wants to buy some pirated DVDs.  Oh, and don’t blink or you’ll miss the tiny George “Iceman” Gervin cameo.

Next Knicks Game Full schedule »
Sunday, Nov 22 Nov7:30Charlotte HornetsBuy Tickets

Tags: Anderson Varejao David Lee George Gervin Iceman LeBron James Magic Johnson Shaquille O'Neal Showtime Lakers Zydrunas Ilgauskas

comments powered by Disqus